Kung Fu Grip

Two things happened this weekend which together bode ominously for the future. First, there was the Nuclear Poop incident. I shall not go into detail other than to say that The Boy had been constipated and chose to make up for lost time. At once. There was not a diaper on God's green earth large enough. In of itself, however, such an incident is no cause for alarm. You clean it, and you move on. No big whup.

The second event is that which is more concerning. How to say this delicately? The Boy found his package. Yes, THAT package. Thankfully, he was already clean at the moment he decided to put his Kung-Fu Grip on a handful of johnson. What troubles me is that I can easily imagine a scenario in which The Boy reaches south and comes up with a bio-fouled hand. Nothing good comes from a bio-fouled hand.

I broached this very topic with a friend of mine this morning at the coffee shop, who was all too familiar with this, um, failure mode. By anticipating and acknowledging this potential biohazard outcome, I am ahead of the game. I can plan for, and react quickly to, such an event.

This begs the question: if The Boy was able to circumvent countermeasures and produce a biofouled hand anywhere near the face, is this not something that would only happen once? I mean, my family has a proud history of being quick learners. Take his Dad, for example. Remember the Bugs Bunny cartoons in which Bugs hids an anvil behind a red cape for the bull to run into? Well, in this scenario, my older brother was Bugs, and I the bull. It wasn't the first run into the edge of the coffee table that sent me to the ER. Nor the second. Fully the third run is what opened up my eye at the tender age of 4. As I said, fast learning genes.